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PLAIN TALK ABOUT… RAISING CHILDREN  PART TWO

7/27/2021

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In Part One of my Blog, I talked about a question that was answered by 50 parents. The question was, “Based upon your personal experiences with your own children, what is the best advice you could give new parents about raising children?”

This question was asked of parents who had successfully raised their own children. Their children, all over 21, were considered successful in the sense that they were all productive adults who were apparently adjusting well to society. Parents answered by saying love abundantly and discipline constructively along with seven other parenting qualities. They also said that the following principles were important to the success of their parenting.

TEND TO PERSONAL AND MARITAL NEEDS

Several parents specified that personal adjustment was an important first step to effective childrearing. One noted that to relate well to children, adults must be comfortable with themselves. Another parent said that one should not completely sacrifice oneself for the family but rather, “Keep part of yourself for yourself and do something you enjoy.” By treating yourself well, this parent felt, you will avoid the feeling of being mistreated, used unfairly, and overburdened when something goes wrong. A sense of humor about one’s faults and the misfortunes of life was also thought to be an important aspect of personal adjustment.

Love, respect, and faithfulness between spouses provides needed security to the family. Two comments by parents seem particularly helpful:

“A household in which love is openly expressed is a household in which children flourish. Verbalizing love to one’s children is not enough. Parents should make every effort to let their youngsters see warmth and tenderness in their marital relationship. Parents should not underestimate the importance of letting their children know how delighted they are when their spouses enter the house. The morning greeting and the good night kiss set an environment and atmosphere that encourages the same kind of affection in the hearts and minds of the children.”
 
“A husband and wife are apt to be successful parents when they give their marriage “first priority”. It may seem that the children are getting ‘second best’ from this approach, but they rarely are. A happy mother and father are most apt to have happy children when the children’s rules are clearly and lovingly defined. Child-centered households produce neither happy marriages nor happy children.”

These remarks highlight what many parents are reluctant to admit but what child experts are finding to be true: That children tend to detract from rather than enhance the closeness between husband and wife.

Recent studies have shown that a couple’s satisfaction with marriage and with each other tends to drop sharply just after their first child is born; and with minor variations, stays at a lower level during the childrearing years and only increases after the youngest child leaves home. Thus, the parents pointed out the need to work at maintaining closeness with the spouse by such means as weekly nights out together, occasional weekends alone together, tender greetings, and thoughtful surprises.
 
TEACH RIGHT FROM WRONG

Several responses highlighted the need for parents to actively teach children basic values and manners, for them to get along well in society.

Parents found the following ways helpful in socializing their children:
  • The assignment of chores and other responsibilities at home. Insistence that the children treat others with kindness, respect, and honesty with emphasis on table manners and other social graces in the home.
  • Part-time jobs outside the home when the children are old enough.
  • Setting of personal examples of moral courage and integrity.

The successful parents also stressed that they thought parents should clearly state their own moral values and discuss them with their children.

Specific comments of parents include the following:

  • “Make children aware of proper values – behavioral, financial, and so forth. When they stray, parents should communicate in a manner which encourages children to listen – do not be permissive or rigid but firm, so the children know exactly where you stand.”
  • “Teach children to respect people, to be honest, and to treat others as they themselves would like to be treated.”
  • “Teach children right from wrong, respect for others and their property, and for older people.”
  • “Teach them the value of truthfulness. Time and again I recall telling my children that if they told us the truth about the situation, we would do all in our power to help them, for in knowing the real facts, we could deal with any misstatements by others. If, however, they lied, we would be unable to be of much help because we couldn’t depend on them.”

DEVELOP MUTUAL RESPECT

The parents emphasized the need to insist that all family members treat each other with respect. First, this means that parents should act in respectful ways to the children. The following behaviors exemplify this respect: politeness to children saying, “Thank you” and “Excuse me”; apologizing to a child when you are wrong; showing an active interest in the children’s activities and TV shows; being always honest and sincere with children; not favoring one child in the family; following through on promises made; and showing basic trust in a child’s character and judgment.

In addition, parents should insist on being treated in a respectful way by the children. If parents treat each other with respect and love and teach the children to respect their parents, a solid foundation will be laid. Another parent suggested: “Parents should maintain their individuality and cultivate their own interests and talents. The time, feelings, and interests of both parents and children should be respected.”

REALLY LISTEN

Really listen to your child, from his or her earliest years – which means giving undivided attention, putting aside one’s own thoughts and beliefs, and trying to understand the child’s point of view. As one parent stated: “No matter how busy or involved you are, listen to your child as a person. Listening means understanding and communicating, not the physical act of hearing.” It also means talking your child’s language, encouraging the expression of feelings – both good and bad – allowing the child to show hostility or anger without fear of losing your love.

OFFER GUIDANCE

In offering guidance to children when you have problems, the parents recommended that you be brief – state your thoughts in a few sentences rather than make a speech. They also felt it is helpful to make children understand that, although your door is always open for discussing difficulties, before you offer solutions, you expect them to have thought about the problem and have tried to come up with possible solutions themselves. Other thoughts by parents on counselling children were: “Don’t force your opinions, likes, dislikes. Offer them strictly as your own opinion, not as law.

“Forbidden fruit is always so tempting, so play it low-key with undesirable activities - TV shows, etc. “Kids will usually respect your opinion if you’re honest, and they will tend to follow your guidance unless they just have to “find out for themselves.”

FOSTER INDEPENDENCE

Recognizing that it is difficult to let children go, the parents advocated gradually allowing them more and more freedom or control over their own lives. By fostering independence, you will gain their affection and their respect. Children should be given freedom to make decisions regarding minor matters first; then the areas of decision-making should be expanded gradually.

The parents also observed that children have a continuing need for parental support and encouragement throughout adolescence and young adulthood. As one parent expressed it: “Once your children are old enough, kind of phase yourself out of the picture. But always be near when they need you.”

BE REALISTIC

Developing realistic expectations about childbearing was also mentioned. Parents advised that one should expect to make mistakes and to realize that outside influences – such as peer group pressure – will increase as children mature. Parents reaffirmed the saying that childrearing is a series of “tough times and tender moments.” One parent remarked: “Don’t expect things to go well all the time. Childrearing has never been an easy job; it has its sorrows and heartaches, but it also has its great joys, and that is what makes it all worthwhile.”

Parenting, indeed, is not a simple task, and it is easy to become confused and uncertain at times. The plain old-fashioned “parent sense” stressed here seems sensible and stable compared to the passing fads and theories.
The most important thing that parents in this study learned by experience is that steadfast love must go together with discipline; indeed, one is not truly possible without the other.

Moreover, in order to love and discipline most effectively, it is necessary to spend constructive time with the children. It would seem, then, that while adjusting to changing times, it is important for parents to hold fast to these and other basic, unchanging principles of childrearing.

(Adapted from “Raising Children by Old-Fashioned Parent Sense” by Dr. Charles E Schaefer, a child psychologist. The article appeared in Children Today, Nov-Dec 1978, published by the Children’s Bureau, ACYF, DHEW. Reprinting permission unnecessary.)

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PLAIN TALK ABOUT… RAISING CHILDREN  PART ONE

7/27/2021

2 Comments

 

“Based upon your personal experiences with your own children, what is the best advice you could give new parents about raising children?” This question was asked of 50 parents who had successfully raised their own children. Their children, all over 21, were considered successful in the sense that they were all productive adults who were apparently adjusting well to society.


Parents with experience are those who are most likely to know what really works in the home environment. The results of the survey revealed that there seems to be a common “parent sense” about effective parenting. Although the parents surveyed were mainly from traditional, two-parent families, parents in other circumstances can apply these guidelines to their own situations.

For example, single parents or parents and families in which both spouses work may not have a lot of time to spend with their children, but the quality of the time spent – playing and talking with their children and doing things together as a family – is equally important. Parents who were surveyed emphasized the importance of a good marital relationship and the need to spend some time away from their children with their spouses. Single parents can foster a healthy personal adjustment by arranging time to be alone or to participate in activities with other adults.

The most frequent responses of the parents were classified under 10 basic principles about which there seems to be general agreement. Although not new, these principles of childrearing can offer a genuinely helpful guide to parents, teachers, daycare workers, and others who care for children.

LOVE ABUNDANTLY

The most important task is to love and really care about children. This not only gives children a sense of security, belonging, and support, but it also smooths out the rough edges of childhood. Parental love should be special in two respects: first, it should be constant and unconditional – which means it is always present, even when the child is acting in an unlovable manner. Secondly, parents should be open in expressing and showing love so that children are never uncertain about its presence. This means parents should hug and praise their children at every available opportunity.

DISCIPLINE CONSTRUCTIVELY

Discipline means setting and adhering to standards of behavior. After love, the parents stressed the importance of giving clear direction and enforcing limits on a child’s behavior. Discipline is an essential preparation for adjusting to the outside world; it makes a child better behaved and happier. It is best to use a positive approach by saying, “Do this,” more often than “Don’t do that.” Be certain that you punish when you say you will. Be firm by “saying what you mean and meaning what you say.” And punish as soon after the misdeed as possible; don’t put an extra burden on dad by saying, “Just wait into your father comes home.”

Apart from firmness and immediacy, the parents described the following qualities of constructive discipline:
  1. Be consistent: Don’t undermine the rules set by your spouse. Disagreements regarding childrearing must be resolved in privacy – never in front of the children. 
  2. Be clear: Establish a few simple rules and spell them out clearly in advance. The child should never be confused about what the rules are.
  3. Administer in private: If possible, never punish a child in front of anyone. This tends to antagonize the child and he or she may continue to misbehave to save face. 
  4. Be reasonable and understanding:  Explain the reason why a child is being given directions: “The stove is hot; please keep away so you will not be burned.” However, don’t be afraid to say, on occasion, “Do it because I say so.” In addition, try to understand the child’s point of view and meet him or her halfway. This will give you a closer relationship.
  5. Be flexible: With adolescence, bargaining is an effective tool. On occasion, it is good for both the parents and the child to be able to bend the rules a little. Also, what works with one child will not necessarily work with another; the child’s individual personality will enter into it. 
  6. Discourage continued dependency: try to give the child an ever-expanding role in making decisions affecting his or her life. As children reach adolescence, encourage independence, knowing that you have done all you could to help them form good behavior patterns.
  7. Be authoritative: If you are hesitant or indecisive or if you feel guilty about disciplining children, you may not do a good job. Remember that you have years of experience, so stick to your decisions. Never let a child talk you out a punishment you believe is necessary. Have the courage to call on and trust your own common sense.

SPEND TIME TOGETHER

“Spend lots of time with your children” was a frequent recommendation. The parents felt that this time should be spent in:
  • Playing: Spend some time each day playing with your children. The sole purpose of this play should be enjoyment – not to influence them.
  • Talking together: Have real conversations with the kids – times when you both listen and sincerely react to one another.
  • Teaching: Actively teach your children such workaday skills as cooking and car repair.
  • Encouraging family activities: Family spirit and a sense of belonging are developed by doing things together as a family. Have regular family outings, special family dinners, and spend holidays together. Conduct family council meetings and make decisions together. One parent recommended that families “reduce TV watching by playing family games or playing musical instruments together.” Another said, “You can’t fool children by giving them things (toys, TV) rather than your time and attention.
I'm sure that many of you are already doing a lot of what has been covered, here in this post, and some of you would have thought to yourself, Mm gosh that's a great idea!" So, send me your comments as I would love to hear if any of these principals are working for you. In Part Two I'm going to talk about some more principals these 50 parents have shared. 

(Adapted from “Raising Children by Old-Fashioned Parent Sense” by Dr. Charles E Schaefer, a child psychologist. The article appeared in Children Today, Nov-Dec 1978, published by the Children’s Bureau, ACYF, DHEW. Reprinting permission unnecessary.)

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    Carol Dysart is a DISC Master, Coach and Behavioral Specialist committed to empowering parents to raise children to be the best version of themselves.

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