 Some children were running late coming back to class from their lunch break, and students Sarah and Peter were arguing as they were sitting down at their desks. Mrs Brown their teacher was starting to feel frustrated and in a rather loud and angry voice told Sarah and Peter to sit down. She waited for the other students who were running late and her impatience and anger increased.
Impatience and Anger We all get frustrated, impatient and angry. Depending on your personality style, these impatient and angry moments can be quite frequent. Look, it’s part of life, sometimes we lose our temper. “Teachers are not intentionally going into a situation and saying if this student misbehaves, I’m going to blow up at them and yell uncontrollably.” Karen Bridbord, PhD, a psychologist certified by the Gottman Institute, who specializes in relationships, says it’s how we’re programmed to respond. “We call it ‘amygdala hijacking,'” says Bridbord. “Our emotions overwhelm us, and our heart rate is escalating. Our bodies experience the situation as if we are in fight or flight mode.” But this natural response evolved to save us from saber-toothed tigers, not to negotiate the subtler challenges of being a teacher. So, how do we move into “action” and not react in an angry or impatient way? Often when we react we criticize, humiliate, or even ridicule. Instead of targeting a child's behavior, it becomes a personal criticism. Like “You never listen to me!”, or “You’re so slow all the time”. Shaming or naming only leads to feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy, says Linda Kavelin Popov, author of the Family Virtues Guide. It’s about taking a breath in and saying to yourself this word that I teach to the children in my DISCovering Me Program for Youth. Can you guess the word? It’s STOP! It’s one of my mantras I often use. Carla Naumburg, PhD, has a great acronym for STOP. “S is for Stop, T is for Take a breath, O is for Observe, P is for Proceed,” says Naumburg. “The idea is to stop whatever you are doing, take a deep breath, and notice what’s going on around you. You can get a little headspace before responding, so you can be more thoughtful instead of going into a “knee jerk” reaction. Why the DISC Styles React Under Stress In the DISC Model for Observable Behavior there are four Primary Styles: Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Compliance and each one reacts a certain way when under stress – becomes impatient and angry. Before I go on to explain when and how each style reacts, too remember what the four styles are, think of four birds. Yep that’s right birds. Here they are: Eagle is for Dominance, Parrot is for Influence, Dove is for Steadiness and Owl is for Compliance. Just like hunger primes a toddler for a tantrum, or a teen not being allowed out with their friends, adults have triggers too. Here are the personal fears and what each Bird Style becomes when under stress – or when they might become impatient or angry. The EAGLE Style’s personal fear is losing. What I mean here is, when they feel that they are losing control of the situation. They see their environment as antagonistic and so have a belief they need to take charge. Under stress they may become a bit of a dictator and others will experience them as aggressive. Definitely patience is not a virtue that comes easily to an Eagle. So, if you see yourself as an Eagle, remember what the mantra is that I often use? Yep, STOP! And take a breath. The PARROT Style’s personal fear is rejection. They like to focus on people and can be somewhat disorganized and spontaneous. Under stress the Parrot may become sarcastic and others will sometimes experience them as superficial. When becoming angry they will have a difficult time controlling their emotions. If you see yourself as a Parrot I’ll say it again just like I asked the Eagle, what’s the mantra I often use? STOP and take a breath! The DOVE Style’s personal fear is sudden change. Just like the Parrot their focus is on people and they can be indecisive and indirect when under stress. Doves become irritated when others are insensitive. They find it hard to be assertive, so will often not share how they’re feeling. So, if students are running late for class, oh boy, their patience will wear thin, even though patience is one of their virtue strengths. If you see yourself as a Dove what’s that mantra again? The OWL Style’s personal fear is being wrong. They like to focus on the details of the task and are comfortable with planning and order. Owls need to work on worrying less about everything. Under stress this style withdraws and becomes headstrong. When it comes to their personal limitations others see them as too critical and impersonal. So, if you think that you might be an Owl my mantra applies to you as well….say to yourself STOP and then take a breath! Or maybe even a couple of breaths. Adapt to Manage those Difficult Moments “Adapting” doesn’t mean “imitating” another person’s style. It means staying true to yourself while simultaneously considering the wants and needs of your students. You know how to negotiate relationships in a way that allows everyone to win. Maintaining adaptability in every situation may cause long term stress for you. However, much like working out our muscles and becoming sore afterwards, practicing moderate adaptability will allow you to become comfortable with it over time. Remember, practicing no adaptability, would cause your students to view you as rigid and uncompromising because you insist on behaving according to your own natural style with no regard for their preferences. Oh, and by the way they have a Bird Style as well, so it helps to know what each of your Styles are. Want to find out? Take my Free Summary DISC assessment. In my next Blog post – Part 2, I’m going to share about how you can develop certain Virtue Strengths or as some call them human qualities, for dealing with situations that make you feel angry and impatient. I’ll also share some affirmations (positive statements) that I use to challenge and overcome my self-sabotaging and negative thoughts. When you repeat them often, and believe in them, you can start to make positive changes. I invite you to share my mantra - STOP and breathe, and this Blog with others that you know to help when anger and impatience takes over – situations we have all experienced. Join our Educators Are Amazing Facebook Group here
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 I belong to a number of social media teacher and principal groups and I've been reading a lot of comments about having to deal with angry students in the classroom. For some teachers this will be very upsetting to deal with as some personality styles will avoid conflict at all costs. Also anger issues can impact the learning environment for all students. It's so important to have strategies ready when having to deal with this anger. This blog post will give you these strategies and a student exercise to use for building a strong conscious in your students. And I'll share a couple of tips from my latest book written with Dr. JJ Sawyer. Where does this anger come from?So many of us would agree that today we are living in an angry world. The media love to report anger in all areas of society: politics, religion, families, sport etc. As children experience and grow up amid this anger it will shape the way they express their own emotions. Learning how to regulate emotions takes time. Have you ever seen a two year old having a bit of a meltdown and tantrum in a supermarket? It's about being a role model, as young children are learning about their feelings and how to express them in an appropriate way by watching others. Remember that behind every behavior is a feeling. Children, like adults experience a wide range of emotions. Not only do children have difficulty expressing their anger in a responsible way, many adults cannot effectively express and manage their anger either. It's about giving children the tools for developing their social and emotional intelligence. After all, we don't want to send messages to our students that it's not okay to get upset. It's about supporting them to truly express their genuine feelings in a responsible and respectful way. I believe that one of the goals of an educator is to help students build a strong conscience. You see, conscience regulates the character. You know that still small voice that keeps us doing right and warns us against doing wrong. Linda Kavelin-Popov founder of The Virtues Project encourages us to rename and reframe challenging behavior. Here is an exercise with some simple steps to apply for doing this (The Virtues Project Educators Guide - Linda Kavelin-Popov):
Here's an example: "Maria, I appreciate your honesty about your opinion. How can you say that in a more respectful and courteous way?" We all get angry sometimesAlthough we are all a human family, many of us are sometimes surprised to see how different we all can be, especially when it comes to our behavior when those angry outbursts happen. We can be extremely different in the way we see and behave in the world, and this is why anger and conflict occurs.
It is not unnatural at all. Actually, it’s who we are. We receive a lot of information from the big wide world out there—from our parents and others in our life. We use our five senses to interpret this information and make it our own. We don’t even know we are doing it, it’s unconscious, and we can’t help ourselves. And others behavior can trigger our emotions. Young children can become securely or insecurely attached to their mothers, fathers, and other regular caregivers, or even their teachers. They can differ in feeling secure with different people. Feeling insecure triggers strong emotions in children including anger. Studies have revealed that this security of attachment is an important cornerstone of social and personality development. Young children who are securely attached have been found to develop stronger friendships with peers, more advanced emotional understanding and early conscience development, and more positive self-concepts, compared with insecurely attached children (Thompson, 2008). Here are a couple of tips from our book "Why Can't I Get Along With You?" that you can apply when children get angry in the classroom: Demonstrate Understanding: Find out what is happening for the child. When you are practicing understanding, you listen with compassion and accuracy to their feelings. Let go of any judgements you might have. It is paying careful attention and thinking about things in order to see their meaning. So, look, listen, and think. Demonstrate Forgiveness: Show compassion with understanding and forgiveness. We know that sometimes it is not easy to forgive, but it is not impossible. Forgiving a child who has said hurtful words to you or other children is a choice, and it takes courage. We have all made mistakes and said things we regret saying when we find ourselves getting angry. When you forgive children for their mistakes, you do not judge them. You are willing to start over. Sometimes they may be ignorant of a situation (unaware) so “forgive their ignorance.” When we can learn to forgive others and ourselves, we feel peace in our hearts. Forgiveness takes determination and believing that there is good in all of us. Demonstrate Self-Awareness: Start to become aware of your emotions. Relationship skills are critical for building and sustaining healthy connections. These skills are about making positive and meaningful connections with others, and it starts with self-awareness. For the last 50 years, researchers have used varying definitions of self-awareness. For example, some see it as the ability to monitor our inner world, whereas others label it as a temporary state of self-consciousness. Still others describe it as the difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us. – Source Harvard Business Review. One of the key skills for effectively managing students that are angry is self-awareness, which means being aware of your own emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and triggers in these conflict situations. Self-awareness can help you avoid reacting impulsively, communicate more clearly, empathize with others, and find constructive solutions. The last tip I have is just take a big deep breath before responding or reacting, as depending on your personal style will depend on how you react to the emotions of others. For those of you that would like to purchase a copy of our book you can click on this link: "Why Can't I Get Along With You?" We know that you'll love learning more about how to deal with angry people and those moments that can turn to conflict. |
AuthorHi I'm Sandra Davis. I'm really passionate about supporting others to be the best they can be through sharing my stories and experiences I've has gained along the way through these Blog posts... Archives
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