PLAIN TALK ABOUT… RAISING CHILDREN PART ONE

“Based upon your personal experiences with your own children, what is the best advice you could give new parents about raising children?” This question was asked of 50 parents who had successfully raised their own children. Their children, all over 21, were considered successful in the sense that they were all productive adults who were apparently adjusting well to society.

Parents with experience are those who are most likely to know what really works in the home environment. The results of the survey revealed that there seems to be a common “parent sense” about effective parenting. Although the parents surveyed were mainly from traditional, two-parent families, parents in other circumstances can apply these guidelines to their own situations.

For example, single parents or parents and families in which both spouses work may not have a lot of time to spend with their children, but the quality of the time spent – playing and talking with their children and doing things together as a family – is equally important. Parents who were surveyed emphasized the importance of a good marital relationship and the need to spend some time away from their children with their spouses. Single parents can foster a healthy personal adjustment by arranging time to be alone or to participate in activities with other adults.

The most frequent responses of the parents were classified under 10 basic principles about which there seems to be general agreement. Although not new, these principles of childrearing can offer a genuinely helpful guide to parents, teachers, daycare workers, and others who care for children.

LOVE ABUNDANTLY

The most important task is to love and really care about children. This not only gives children a sense of security, belonging, and support, but it also smooths out the rough edges of childhood. Parental love should be special in two respects: first, it should be constant and unconditional – which means it is always present, even when the child is acting in an unlovable manner. Secondly, parents should be open in expressing and showing love so that children are never uncertain about its presence. This means parents should hug and praise their children at every available opportunity.

DISCIPLINE CONSTRUCTIVELY

Discipline means setting and adhering to standards of behavior. After love, the parents stressed the importance of giving clear direction and enforcing limits on a child’s behavior. Discipline is an essential preparation for adjusting to the outside world; it makes a child better behaved and happier. It is best to use a positive approach by saying, “Do this,” more often than “Don’t do that.” Be certain that you punish when you say you will. Be firm by “saying what you mean and meaning what you say.” And punish as soon after the misdeed as possible; don’t put an extra burden on dad by saying, “Just wait into your father comes home.”

Apart from firmness and immediacy, the parents described the following qualities of constructive discipline:

1. Be consistent: Don’t undermine the rules set by your spouse. Disagreements regarding childrearing must be resolved in privacy – never in front of the children. 
2. Be clear: Establish a few simple rules and spell them out clearly in advance. The child should never be confused about what the rules are.
3. Administer in private: If possible, never punish a child in front of anyone. This tends to antagonize the child and he or she may continue to misbehave to save face. 
4. Be reasonable and understanding:  Explain the reason why a child is being given directions: “The stove is hot; please keep away so you will not be burned.” However, don’t be afraid to say, on occasion, “Do it because I say so.” In addition, try to understand the child’s point of view and meet him or her halfway. This will give you a closer relationship.
5. Be flexible: With adolescence, bargaining is an effective tool. On occasion, it is good for both the parents and the child to be able to bend the rules a little. Also, what works with one child will not necessarily work with another; the child’s individual personality will enter into it. 
6. Discourage continued dependency: try to give the child an ever-expanding role in making decisions affecting his or her life. As children reach adolescence, encourage independence, knowing that you have done all you could to help them form good behavior patterns.
7. Be authoritative: If you are hesitant or indecisive or if you feel guilty about disciplining children, you may not do a good job. Remember that you have years of experience, so stick to your decisions. Never let a child talk you out a punishment you believe is necessary. Have the courage to call on and trust your own common sense.

SPEND TIME TOGETHER

“Spend lots of time with your children” was a frequent recommendation. The parents felt that this time should be spent in:

• Playing: Spend some time each day playing with your children. The sole purpose of this play should be enjoyment – not to influence them.
• Talking together: Have real conversations with the kids – times when you both listen and sincerely react to one another.
• Teaching: Actively teach your children such workaday skills as cooking and car repair.
• Encouraging family activities: Family spirit and a sense of belonging are developed by doing things together as a family. Have regular family outings, special family dinners, and spend holidays together. Conduct family council meetings and make decisions together. One parent recommended that families “reduce TV watching by playing family games or playing musical instruments together.” Another said, “You can’t fool children by giving them things (toys, TV) rather than your time and attention.

I'm sure that many of you are already doing a lot of what has been covered, here in this post, and some of you would have thought to yourself, Mm gosh that's a great idea!" So, send me your comments as I would love to hear if any of these principals are working for you. In Part Two I'm going to talk about some more principals these 50 parents have shared. 

(Adapted from “Raising Children by Old-Fashioned Parent Sense” by Dr. Charles E Schaefer, a child psychologist. The article appeared in Children Today, Nov-Dec 1978, published by the Children’s Bureau, ACYF, DHEW. Reprinting permission unnecessary.)